Review Incoming

I made this blog with the intention of doing beauty product reviews, tutorials, and to talk about whatever else came to me.  Later tonight I will do a review of Jeffrey Star's Beauty Killer palette and a few other products that I have received lately.  I'll add pictures of swatches as well.  I hope that will be useful.  I don't always get products right when they come out, but when I do I'll give honest reviews.

Thank you for the support for my previous post.  It really feels good to have other people read it and know what's going on in my head a little better.  I promise I'm not ignoring anyone, I know it takes me a long time to respond to texts and I rarely answer phone calls.  It doesn't have anything to do with the person on the other end...it's me.  My anxiety has been rearing it's ugly head lately for no good damn reason and I am just kinda sitting back and learning how to control it.  I don't take medication for it, though I am prescribed some, because I am super sensitive to medicines and I tend to hate the side effects more than the actual anxiety.  At least with an anxiety/panic attack I know what it feels like, I know little things I can do to help myself feel better.  It is mild to moderate...I'm lucky in that respect.  So if you're sitting there thinking "Damn, that Kasia chick is a total bitch, she never responds or it takes her like 6 hours to get back to me"...you're not wrong.  Hahaha.  I kid.  I love you guys and I'm working on myself so I'm not such a bummer to be around.  

Hmmm, what else is going on?  I'm going to be trying to learn some coding so I can possibly make a mobile game or mobile app of some sort.  I would love to make a beauty app, just not 100% sure what I want and what I can make it do.  Baby steps.  

This is the point where if you don't want to read about political/world news things, just hit the back button:

What is going on in this world?  So many groups of people just up and killing people.  The people of Nice were enjoying their equivalent of the 4th of July.  They were doing nothing wrong and yet they were mowed down like animals.  The officers in Dallas being shot and killed, they're trying to protect and serve.  If you think all police officers are evil, you're an idiot.  There are good and bad in EVERY SINGLE GROUP OF PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.  There are good cops and bad cops.  There are good religious people and there are bad. The people at Pulse were just trying to enjoy their Pride event.  They were hurting no one, just celebrating and having fun.  I have so many different thoughts going on in my head, it's hard to fixate on just one...so I'll make a list:

• Not all white people are racist.  Lord help me, if I have to hear that because my skin is white that it means I am a racist ONE MORE TIME I am liable to explode.  No, I'm not a damn racist.  Do people not get the irony of this?  I absolutely see that there is racism out there.  I would have to be blind, deaf, and completely ignorant to think otherwise.  Saying that white people are racist because they're white is racism too.  You can be of another race and be racist.  Racism is not limited to a certain melanin content.  
• Privilege.  Every race has privileges, they're all different.  What is privilege in one may not be in another and I am so tired of having to say I'm sorry because I was born with a certain privilege.  I will not apologize any longer, I did nothing wrong.  I did NOT choose my race.  You did not choose yours.  No one did.  So stop blaming other people for this shit.  
• Equality.  If everyone wants to be equal (and everyone should be) then start acting like it.  Quit separating into groups and then screaming about equality.  You are not making yourself equal.  Separation ≠ equality.  Can't sit around spewing forth hatred of people who you don't feel you're equal to...you want to be equal with people you hate?  Does this even make sense?  
• All lives matter.  Do you realize how this statement is the opposite of racism?  Believing that every life is precious, that everyone matters, that is not racism.  The definition of racism:  prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.  Seems that is quite the opposite of saying that all lives matter.  
• Hate groups.  Far too many groups of people are popping up recently and spewing some major hate.  Killing in the name of religion or in the name of racism or whatever the hell they're killing for.  Guess what that's called?  A hate group.  

You don't have to agree with me.  I don't care if you do.  You can unfriend me.  You can stop speaking to me.  That's your deal, not mine.  I won't apologize for my statements.  I'm sick of feeling like just because I'm white that it means I am a terrible person or I did something wrong.  I'm just trying to live like everyone else.  I'm not going to feel bad for my melanin content.  Fuck you if you think I should.  I treat everyone with respect unless you've given me a reason not to.  Your race doesn't mean a damn thing to me.  Have pride in who you are.  Be the best human you can be, that's what we should be striving for.  I'm more than the color of my skin...I'm a woman, a mother, a wife...I am creative, sarcastic, funny, bisexual, crafty...I love to sing, write, create, do hair and makeup.  I am so much more than just being white.  You are so much more.  Show the world.

Butterknife

I realize I haven't posted in quite some time.  I apologize, though I don't know if anyone actually reads my blogs.  If you do, sorry, life happens.

Butterknife.


That's what I feel like now.  I feel like before I had fibromyalgia I was sharp.  I could come up with sarcastic quips on the fly.  I could recall things with ease and precision.  My mind was like a steel trap.  I could speak eloquently and tell stories with bravado.  Now I feel like my mind is dulled.  My sarcasm is still there, but it isn't nearly as quick as it once was.  I forget so much, my mind feels like a sieve.  Speaking with eloquence is a thing of the past.  I stumble and forget words so much, I sound like an idiot.  My head feels like it is filled with cotton.  While the pain is the worst part for others, the pain takes a back seat to the "fibro fog" for me.

I hate feeling like this.  I wonder if it frustrates others to listen to me talk like it frustrates me to talk.  Occasionally forgetting a word or phrase is no big deal, when it happens 5 or 6 times in one conversation it's embarrassing/overwhelming/disheartening.  I have good and bad days, just like everyone else.  On my good days I feel more like the Kasia I used to be.  I can joke around with Jayson and be quick witted and sarcastic and we have fun.  On bad days I stumble over so many words I give up and sit in silence a lot.  I tend to be far less social these days, though to be honest, it isn't always the fog that causes that.

I am cantankerous in my "old age".  The older I get, the less I like people as a whole.  I know others can see it.  I can't help myself, people are just so freaking stupid nowadays.  I don't have the wherewithal to be PC every second of every day.  Especially when PC terms change every 30 minutes.  Sorry, but no.  If you don't like it, don't talk to me.  I honestly cannot care.  I'm not trying to be a dick, but I can barely function on a normal level...don't expect me to remember peoples ever changing statuses.  What we celebrate one day is shameful the next and sorry, I can barely keep up with life let alone keep up with the ever changing social justice bullshit.  (Let me take a moment to say that not all of the SJ stuff is bullshit.  But come on, you can admit it...a LOT of it is and it's gone seriously overboard in the last few years.  If you don't like what I'm saying, cool, you don't have to.  That's the beauty of life.  I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me, and we owe each other nothing.)

I feel bad for Jayson.  He's got so much patience and lets my anger and my hurt roll off his back.  He is so good to me.  I try to tell him as often as I can how much I love, appreciate, and value him.  I never feel like it's enough.  My kids get it too.  I feel like such a crappy mom.  I try to have patience with them, but my anxiety kicks up or the exhaustion or the fog...I get angry so quick.  Really, I'm not angry...I'm frustrated and I don't know how to express it.  I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to keep up.  I'm frustrated that I forget things...lots of things...unless I go write them down/text myself/set an alarm/put a calendar notification.  Seriously, unless I do at least 2 of these things I will most likely forget what I was supposed to do at a given time.  I am only 35, I shouldn't feel this feeble minded.  I love my little family so much it overwhelms me and I find myself wondering if they know it.

Then it comes to the ever present "what am I going to do with my life" question.  It looms over my head daily, like this constant reminder that I haven't done anything career wise and that I'm running out of time.  Someone hit fast forward on life and I never caught up.  Starting school seems like an impossible task.  Finding a school with a schedule that works around Jayson's, and making time to be with my family, and having the fibro issues on top of all that...it makes me want to give up before I've even began.  I know that I can't.  If nothing else, I need to set a good example for my kids.  I have wanted to be a cosmetologist since I was in high school, it's the only real thing I have ever wanted to do.  Now I worry that I won't physically be able to do it.  My hands are weak, I feel pins and needles in them and they randomly fall asleep/go numb.  Forget the exhaustion, fog, pain in my body...I need my fucking hands.  How can I cut and color someone's hair when I can't feel my hands some of the time?  Or do that for 8 hours or more a day when just typing this out is making them ache and burn?

I'm sorry, this shouldn't be a pity party.  I didn't start out that way, I just kinda let the words come out and this is the direction it went.  This is NOT meant as a "please feel sorry for me" type of thing.  I guess I just needed to get this out in some way.  I know there are tons of people who feel like this, who have fibro and anxiety and make the best of things.  It's what I'm trying to do and it's a day by day process.  I am SO thankful for my overall health.  I mean, if fibro is the worst thing I have to deal with, then I am one lucky lady.  Otherwise I'm healthy and with the exception of needing to lose weight, I'm doing well.  With Pokemon Go, I've been out walking more and getting more exercise. (Judge all you want, it's fun and it's getting me to exercise.) Trying to eat better too.  Jayson is encouraging me and he's being more active as well.

Onward and upward.