Butterknife

I realize I haven't posted in quite some time.  I apologize, though I don't know if anyone actually reads my blogs.  If you do, sorry, life happens.

Butterknife.


That's what I feel like now.  I feel like before I had fibromyalgia I was sharp.  I could come up with sarcastic quips on the fly.  I could recall things with ease and precision.  My mind was like a steel trap.  I could speak eloquently and tell stories with bravado.  Now I feel like my mind is dulled.  My sarcasm is still there, but it isn't nearly as quick as it once was.  I forget so much, my mind feels like a sieve.  Speaking with eloquence is a thing of the past.  I stumble and forget words so much, I sound like an idiot.  My head feels like it is filled with cotton.  While the pain is the worst part for others, the pain takes a back seat to the "fibro fog" for me.

I hate feeling like this.  I wonder if it frustrates others to listen to me talk like it frustrates me to talk.  Occasionally forgetting a word or phrase is no big deal, when it happens 5 or 6 times in one conversation it's embarrassing/overwhelming/disheartening.  I have good and bad days, just like everyone else.  On my good days I feel more like the Kasia I used to be.  I can joke around with Jayson and be quick witted and sarcastic and we have fun.  On bad days I stumble over so many words I give up and sit in silence a lot.  I tend to be far less social these days, though to be honest, it isn't always the fog that causes that.

I am cantankerous in my "old age".  The older I get, the less I like people as a whole.  I know others can see it.  I can't help myself, people are just so freaking stupid nowadays.  I don't have the wherewithal to be PC every second of every day.  Especially when PC terms change every 30 minutes.  Sorry, but no.  If you don't like it, don't talk to me.  I honestly cannot care.  I'm not trying to be a dick, but I can barely function on a normal level...don't expect me to remember peoples ever changing statuses.  What we celebrate one day is shameful the next and sorry, I can barely keep up with life let alone keep up with the ever changing social justice bullshit.  (Let me take a moment to say that not all of the SJ stuff is bullshit.  But come on, you can admit it...a LOT of it is and it's gone seriously overboard in the last few years.  If you don't like what I'm saying, cool, you don't have to.  That's the beauty of life.  I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me, and we owe each other nothing.)

I feel bad for Jayson.  He's got so much patience and lets my anger and my hurt roll off his back.  He is so good to me.  I try to tell him as often as I can how much I love, appreciate, and value him.  I never feel like it's enough.  My kids get it too.  I feel like such a crappy mom.  I try to have patience with them, but my anxiety kicks up or the exhaustion or the fog...I get angry so quick.  Really, I'm not angry...I'm frustrated and I don't know how to express it.  I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to keep up.  I'm frustrated that I forget things...lots of things...unless I go write them down/text myself/set an alarm/put a calendar notification.  Seriously, unless I do at least 2 of these things I will most likely forget what I was supposed to do at a given time.  I am only 35, I shouldn't feel this feeble minded.  I love my little family so much it overwhelms me and I find myself wondering if they know it.

Then it comes to the ever present "what am I going to do with my life" question.  It looms over my head daily, like this constant reminder that I haven't done anything career wise and that I'm running out of time.  Someone hit fast forward on life and I never caught up.  Starting school seems like an impossible task.  Finding a school with a schedule that works around Jayson's, and making time to be with my family, and having the fibro issues on top of all that...it makes me want to give up before I've even began.  I know that I can't.  If nothing else, I need to set a good example for my kids.  I have wanted to be a cosmetologist since I was in high school, it's the only real thing I have ever wanted to do.  Now I worry that I won't physically be able to do it.  My hands are weak, I feel pins and needles in them and they randomly fall asleep/go numb.  Forget the exhaustion, fog, pain in my body...I need my fucking hands.  How can I cut and color someone's hair when I can't feel my hands some of the time?  Or do that for 8 hours or more a day when just typing this out is making them ache and burn?

I'm sorry, this shouldn't be a pity party.  I didn't start out that way, I just kinda let the words come out and this is the direction it went.  This is NOT meant as a "please feel sorry for me" type of thing.  I guess I just needed to get this out in some way.  I know there are tons of people who feel like this, who have fibro and anxiety and make the best of things.  It's what I'm trying to do and it's a day by day process.  I am SO thankful for my overall health.  I mean, if fibro is the worst thing I have to deal with, then I am one lucky lady.  Otherwise I'm healthy and with the exception of needing to lose weight, I'm doing well.  With Pokemon Go, I've been out walking more and getting more exercise. (Judge all you want, it's fun and it's getting me to exercise.) Trying to eat better too.  Jayson is encouraging me and he's being more active as well.

Onward and upward.